Courtroom Gems

[MajestyJo]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Courtroom Gems

These are from the book "Disorder in the American Courts",
and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.

Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 15th.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example
of something that you've forgotten?

Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.*

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband
said to you when he woke up that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old,
how old is he?

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?

Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male, or a female?

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.*

Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy.

Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Received from Chris K. This was originally posted on another site in 2005. I don't remember seeing it before. It gave me a few chuckles.