Step Two

[MajestyJo]

Any number of A.A.'s can say to the drifter, "Yes, we were diverted from our childhood faith, too. The overconfidence of youth was too much for us. Of course, we were glad that good home and religious training had given us certain values. We were still sure that we ought to be fairly honest, tolerant, and just, that we ought to be ambitious and hardworking. We became convinced that such simple rules of fair play and decency would be enough."As material success founded upon no more than these ordinary attributes began to come to us, we felt we were winning at the game of life. This was exhilarating, and it made us happy. Why should we be bothered with theological abstractions and religious duties, or with the state of our souls here or hereafter? The here and now was good enough for us.

The will to win would carry us through. But then alcohol began to have its way with us. Finally, when all our score cards read `zero,' and we saw that one more strike would put us out of the game forever, we had to look for our lost faith. It was in A.A, that we rediscovered it. And so can you."

My religious experience was very strict. No dancing, no playing cards, no playing anything on Sunday. I got hit if I said 'heck' because it meant hell. I got hit if I said darn because it mean da*n and it wasn't always the action, it was the thought behind it. We went to church three times on Sunday, Wednesday was prayer meeting and if my dad was obliging or around, he drove us to Young People's on Friday if we couldn't arrange a ride.

Being the preacher's son's daughter gave me the excuse to use for years. I was raised to be a lady and spent most of my years trying to disprove the fact. I resented the lady I think because she represented rules and regulations that I hadn't been willing to follow. I always felt like I was being put in a box and always felt like I had to break out. A 200 acre farm is a big box. I couldn't wait to leave it. Two institutions of marriage were boxes that were boxes that isolated me from being myself. I lived my life through these people and through the addiction that was to follow, I lost my identity, my integrity and my sense of self and well being. My whole life was filled with 'thou shall not!' and for most of my life I rebelled. As a result of that rebellion, I figured I might as well be hung as a sheep as a lamb and justified my very existence, using, and choice by the fact that I was going to be struck down at any time in my life so I might as well live my life my way and make the best of it before God punished me.

It was such a great spiritual experience for me to learn that everything wasn't black and white and that there were shades of gray. It was freeing to know that everything wasn't died in stone or that I would be stoned if I didn't believe what other people believed. I didn't have to follow other people's beliefs, I could find my own truth, my own God, and my own freedom from bondage. That was the gift that AA gave me.