Hello Everyone.

[mdmarlene]

First Time Around,
I so relate to you. I been there. I had to learn what it meant to be willing to help myself and go to any length to recover. I had to be convinced that I am an alcoholic and I am the problem. This is life and death. There is a solution in the rooms of AA not in the rooms in my head. And the rooms in my head were usually a bad neighborhood! Ha Ha!
Go to meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps with your sponsor. It is there in the rooms of AA that I learned to find a God of my understanding, take responsibility for my recovery, deal with the past, clean up my side of the street and to be of love and service. One day at a time. And my worst day in recovery was not even close to my best day out there. Thank God for AA were in time I found myself so happy to jump into bed where a full and grateful heart to be alive allowed me to sleep like a baby. I so relate to you about only sleeping well if drunk. I am here to tell you that you too can experience drifting off to sleep with peace and serenity as the most intoxicating remedy. To lie there feeling good knowing that I am taking action not trying...trying was an excuse for me. But to lie there to have not picked up a drink or a drug...to have turned our life over to God and able to say a prayer of thanks as well as take our honest inventory for the day to recognize the changes for the good within ourselves and own up to our sins with a willingness to change....we get better and better beyond our thinking....one day at a time. And to share with self honesty with my sponsor where I learned that I am not alone and I am not bad...I am sick like many and getting well together. The best social scene ever in my life...and lots of coffee.
God knows I found time to sit on a barstool or wait for days on the corner for the drugman or do terrible things to get what I wanted and with no concern about my job or if I would keep it or lose it. I did not try drinking or try drugging...I took action and I drank and drugged and went to any length to continue. An oldtimer pointed this out to me and said well, then you have had alot of practice taking action...so stop trying and take action and go to any length to save your own life. And she said, and thank God you still have a job....many don't. And if you want to see that for yourself...keep coming back. And I have for many years one day at a time. And I continue.
My suggestion to you is to go to meetings and continue and keep coming back. God bless.