Sharing and Caring - ESH

[MajestyJo]

I couldn't understand the word 'powerless' until I substituted it with the word control. When I looked back at the times I tried to control, I realized that I tried to be safe, but got hurt anyways. Control was an illusion.

I was 10 when I stole a glass of communion wine. There was only about an inch in the silver goblet, but I wanted to see what I was missing (the story of my life) out on. I can still remember the feeling, which I call the warm fuzzies, that feeling that makes you go ahhhhhh! I was always looking for that feeling. The problem was when I found it, I could stop there I always had to have more. The first time I drank socially, I had eight rum and coke and it just brought me up to the same place I get in today on a natural high. I didn't drink again until I was 21 and got married. My church upbring told me it was a No No! When I was 14, I was baptized and my church used real wine for communion. I can remember trying to take a gulp and make it look like a sip. At the age of 16, I was put in the hospital for testing to see what was causing my headaches and the pains in my stomach. They came to the conclusion that I had a nervous disorder and put me on valium. When I started drinking, I took two 222s every night before I went to sleep if I had a lot to drink to prevent a hangover. Pills were dried up alcohol for me.

When I tried to quit drinking on my own I substituted pills for the alcohol. In the end I was doing both and on a death walk at the age of 49 when I came into recovery. Because of my relgious upbringing I had to deal with a lot of guilt beside letting go of the drugs and alcohol.

Everything growing up in the church was "thou shall not" and I had to give myself permission to live. I had to learn to endorse myself and say, "Hey, it is okay." I learned that just because I did stupid things, I wasn't stupid. It was okay to make a mistake. Just because I made one doesn't mean I was one. I wasn't a bad person trying to get good, I was a sick person trying to get better. I had to go through what I went through to bring me to where I was in today. My experience, strength and hope was meant to be shared with others.

When I quit smoking, I went back to church on an Easter Sunday. I had communion for the first time in many years. It was like I was making an ammend to my God for all those guilt feelings and fears of being struck down by the wrath of God and acknowledge Him as a loving God. I didn't go back for two years and when I did I found that church for me was for people who didn't have Twelve Step Programs. The people didn't identify and understand me but that was okay. That wasn't my purpose for being there. I generally went for the music and the singing. The minister's message I related to the program after all the Oxford Group was what the program was built on.

My drug of choice was more. More of what I am having, more of what you are having, a more of what ever comes my way.

That more in today can be my computer, food, work, reading (shutting out of the world), and going to bed. It doesn't matter what the substance is, it can lead to the same soul sickness as drugs, alcohol, gambling, and relationships.

Every time I picked up, I gave away a piece of myself.

Every time I was in a relationship, I lost my identity.

Every time I didn't work my program, I slipped mentally, emotionally and spiritually, even if I didn't slip physically.

When I came into recovery, I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what made me happy. I didn't know who I was, all I knew was what other people had projected onto me or their concept of who I should be and I was trying to fit the mold.

When I was in treatment, we were asked to do a collage (not sure if that is right spelling, a paper with pictures on it!). We were to portray how we felt inside, how we thought others saw us, how we thought we portrayed ourselves to others, and how we really wanted to look. It was amazing.

I found a picture which was all black and pale yellow was used in the background to indicate the profile of a gorilla surrounded by vines and thick jungle. A perfect portrayal of coming being in the darkness and just coming into the light.

I thought I portrayed the image of the girl next door!!! This is really funny considering I was raised to be a lady and spent most of my life trying to prove I wasn't. I had major resentment when the 'lady' came out because I didn't want to have any part of the religious teachings attached to her.

I thought that everyone saw me as an 'elderly' lady because I have been called 'mother since I was in my early thirties by people other than my son. He was born when I was 24, and I think I had a problem with that because everyone said I must have been a child bridge in order to have a son as old as he was. His birthdays always made me feel older than my own, because I never felt old. In today, I know it is because I never grew up and have always been young at heart, and then I found the Fountain of Youth when I came to recovery.

When I came through the doors of recovery at 49 I looked older than I did at 39. At 59, I looked younger than I did at 39. I never looked as good as I did at any time in my life as I did when I was 57. Maybe it was because I identified with the '57 Chevy which a big love of mine. The thing was the only difference between me and the girl in my collage was that she had blue eyes and mine are brown. I had the long blonde curly hair, the shine in the eyes, the clearness of self that she portrayed. God answers prayer. He has been very kind to me.

For someone who thought she was 'ugly' all of her life, it was a big step, to learn to identify myself and to learn to love the person I found within. Through the healing of the Fellowship and the Spirit of the program, I have healed. The Twelve Steps and Traditions have given me a new life, and one day at a time, as I become more aware, I am so grateful for all the gifts that have been given to me.

Just for today, I choose to live clean and sober. I get up in the morning, ask for help and give thanks at night. Just for today, I choose not to abuse myself and others and not let others abuse me.

Just for today, I trust my Higher Power, and through Him, I have learned to trust myself.

Just for today, I have choices. If I make the wrong choice, I can choose again. A day can start anytime. When I get honest, surrender and turn things over the the God of my understanding, things happen as they should be, not always as I would have them be.

When I can accept what is in today, I never had it so good. Things always seem to change when I get to that place of acceptance. To get there, I need to let go of expectations of myself and others.

Just for today, I choose not to use. It was important to acknowledge any craving and obsession I had in order to be able to let it go. I may have the feeling, it doesn't mean I have to act on it.