Sharing and Caring - ESH

[MajestyJo]

Well I was the drug user, and they were like dried up alcohol for me. I didn't know I wasn't operating on all cylinders. I thought I was acting norm. I didn't realize that people looked at me and saw that I was stoned out of my tree.

I didn't feel high, I just wanted to shut off the pain, stop the world I wanted to get off because I was lonely and didn't see much purpose and direction in my life. I was put on valium at 16 at was the only way I knew how to deal with life's problems. I thought men were my problem, then I realized that my drinking got me into trouble and wanted to stop, but didn't know about recovery and tried it my way for 8 years, and as my drinking lessened, my pill intake increased. I stopped drinking for almost a year, but at the end I was back drinking and taking pills.

It wasn't until I had a spiritual awakening and heard a friend talking to the worker at the YWCA that I realized I had a problem. I believe until I was ready to hear, I wasn't capable of understanding and certainly in total denial with tunnel vision, which was somewhat impaired and deaf to any concept that the great I am was anything less than she had always been.

I shared with a friend this week that addiction to medication is difficult because unknown to me was the fact that the body manufactures the pain to tell you that you need more. More always seems to be totally justified, because "I have a pain you know, I have depression you know, I lost my job you know, I lost my boyfriend don't you know, I didn't sleep you know, etc."

There are always a lot of excuses but not a good reason to take more than prescribed. My family doctor was my supplier for 17years. I went into Relapse Prevention at our local hospital and they sent me home and said I didn't have a problem, my doctor said I needed the medication for my migraines, stomach disorder and my anxiety. Meanwhile he is going on holidays several times a year thanks to the kick back he gets for writing me a script!

All I did was sleep, I was not living I was existing. I use to be a very social person who became totally isolated and introverted. That may seem highly improbable to those of you who have got to know me here at ***, but when I came into recovery if I spoke you didn't hear me, if I spoke at all. It took almost two years for me to totally detox from the medications I was on so that I was thinking clearly and out of the fog. Then I learned I had fibromyalgia and I realized were some of the pain was coming from. In today, I still don't take pain medication for it. I do take a muscle relaxant, but I have to be careful, because it could be addictive too. It helps relax the muscles so I can sleep. I have periods when I have to up the dosage to the full amount to two a day to give my body the rest it needs, but more than that would be using. Sometimes I just do without the sleep and for me meditation is the biggest tool.

It gives me the conscious contact I need with my Higher Power. Often it is stress which triggers it, so I have to do what I call "defrag" my body and mind so I can relax and go to sleep. Look at the source, and why I am in the pain and what lead up to it. The Twelve Steps work for me when dealing with my chronic pain and fatigue.

Perhaps awareness can help you find the acceptance of the disease. Use the same tools that you used for his drinking, it doesn't matter what the substance is, it all leads to the same soul sickness. It doesn't have to be drugs and alochol, it can me gambling, food, shopping, working, etc. Anything that stand in the way of living this life the way my Creator would have me live it, becomes the "Lower Power" in my life, and it stands in the way of my recovery and communication with my Higher Power who can empower me to help myself.

Someone else can't do it for me, I had to do it myself. I had pushed my son, my sister and her family, even a lot of the women at the Y. It is bad when you become isolated in a room which is full of women. They use to call me the unofficial Den Mother of the fourth floor and people were coming from the third and the fifth too, and I was the caretaker, rescuer, and dumping post for all the people and I compounded my misery with everyone else.