new member,

[ryanc1983]

My name is Ryan my Drug of choice was heroin, any opiates, preferably IV, and I enjoyed speed but it wasn't something I used daily just to keep awake and moving after opiate use. It took about 4-5 inpatient tries and a relocation to sober living to get clean. I got custody of my son and met a great girl, my son was later diagnosed with ADHD, and my girlfriend with narcolepsy, so now two people I love are on addictive substances that I never really had a problem with. I do now and I have no idea how to be in their lives without hurting them or where to turn for help. I'm here because I'm scared, sad and truly don't have the answers. My life is on track in comparison to before but if I can't come up with a solution that allows them to function as they need to. I have bought safes given them money to buy safes and I continue to dissapoint myself and them. I love them and they love me but I don't know how to stop. I'm don't withdrawal like I did on opiates I just can't seem to stop myself.
Sincerely,
Ryan

[MajestyJo]

Welcome Ryan, thank you for sharing. Don't know of a way to get clean without going through withdrawal. Do you have a detox near you, it is best to get help rather than go through it yourself. They have professionals there that can help you. I went through 5 days of hell, because I didn't know about detoxes.

You have to become willing to quit. I found that substitution doesn't work, it always takes you back to your drug of choice.

There are treatment centers, but I would recommend just going to NA meetings. They say 90 meetings in 90 days. Get to know the people, get a home group and a sponsor for support, they have been where you are at.

As they say, a drug is a drug. The problem is me. I found that I couldn't be there for my son without me getting clean first. My son is in active addiction, he has been in 5 treatment centers, yet he still chooses to use. I can't do anything for him but to pray.

I am powerless over the drug, and it was only through a God of my understanding, that I was able to quit and do what I needed to do, one day at a time. It is a disease. I often refer to it as a dis-ease, looking for something outside of myself to make me feel and cope better with my life. I thought I was in control, but it was the drugs. Control is an illusion. When you want to stop, you can't and it took more than I could do to stop and stay stopped. For me it was the fellowship of AA because I was in denial. I went to NA too, because I always knew I was an addict. Some is good, more is better.

There is a lot of help here on the board, in all section. The daily readings, the NA sections, Alcohol is a drug too. When you see the word alcohol, just substitute the name of your drug of choice.

I wish you well on your journey and will pray for you and yours.

[ryanc1983]

I think I misspoke or wasn't clear, I don't withdrawal from stimulants, I just can't be around them and the people I love need them. I couldn't get off opiates because of withdrawal, this is different I eat them because they are around and no matter the pain it causes my family I still do it. I'm like that with drugs in general if they are around I eat them. I had a stroke when I was young and as someone who probably needs something to feel normal, I'm also an addict. I do ok if they aren't in arms reach but no amount of steps, desire to stop, higher power or therapy has ever helped. The only way I've ever been successful is distance, my son truly needs something and my fiance also, I don't want to leave them obviously, I just hoped someone who got clean has been here before and there's a solution. No amount of will power Will change that I will take drugs if I live around people who need them. Thank you for your words and I will try anything I just think something was lost in translation.

[MajestyJo]

Sorry I miss understood, I know it is best that I don`t have alcohol in my home. It is easy for me to deny my alcoholism, telling myself that my dad and my husband had the disease, and my actions and thoughts were a result of living with them.

I would suggest a lot of prayer to ask for help in not eating what is not yours. Taking their medication harms them. I guess you have a choice to make. Them or your addiction.

[ryanc1983]

Yeah I do and I keep making the wrong choice, I hate it, I got off heroin and thought I would be ok , I truly want to make the right choice but I still choose drugs. I don't want to do a poor pitiful me . I just am so lost and health care is terrible here. I do pray and I'm trying to be honest with myself and others but my actions are impossible for myself to understand let alone others.

[MajestyJo]

Do you have NA or CA in your area. Even AA can help, they are all 12 Step Program. They work if you work them.

You don't have to be clean at your first meeting, but it helps. We do this one day at a time, just for today, I choose not to use.

You have to be willing to be willing to do what ever it takes to be clean and sober. I had to pray for the willingness to be will to quit.

They loved me back to good health. I have been to all three fellowships on my recovery journey as well as Al-Anon because my own son is in active addiction.

[bluidkiti]

Hi Ryan, As well as what Jo suggests maybe also check out Alanon - http://www.al-anon.org/ and / or Naranon - http://www.nar-anon.org/ . There are also meetings of all kinds and chatrooms here at stepchat.com where you may be able to find someone who has had your experience that can help you also. Please continue to share with us here. We are here for you.