Language of Letting Go - June 2014

[MajestyJo]

Sunday, June 1, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Directness

We feel safe around direct, honest people. They speak their minds, and we know where we stand with them.

Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they're feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it may catch everyone by surprise.

Directness saves time and energy. It removes us as victims. It dispenses with martyrdom and games. It helps us own our power. It creates respectful relationships.

It feels safe to be around direct, honest people. Be one.

Today, I will own my power to be direct. I do not have to be passive, nor do I need to be aggressive. I will become comfortable with my own truth, so those around me can become comfortable with me.

It is okay to speak my mind it. It isn't so much what I say it but how I say it. Words can cut and tear apart or they can soothe and calm.

As they say, "What needs to be changed with in me and my attitude." I try to be direct and say what I mean, according to my truth. It may not be the same as that of others, and that is okay, that is their truth.

[MajestyJo]

Monday, June 2, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Owning Our Power

We don't have to give others so much power and ourselves so little. We don't have to give others so much credit and ourselves so little. In recovery from codependency, we learn there's a big difference between humility and discounting ourselves.

When others act irresponsibly and attempt to blame their problems on us, we no longer feel guilty. We let them face their own consequences.

When others talk nonsense, we don't question our own thinking.

When others try to manipulate or exploit us, we know it's okay to feel anger and distrust and to say no to the plan.

When others tell us that we want something that we really don't want, or someone tells us that we don't want something that we really do want, we trust ourselves. When others tell us things we don't believe, we know it's okay to trust our instincts.

We can even change our mind later.

We don't have to give up our personal power to anyone: strangers, friends, spouses, children, authority figures, or those over whom we're in authority. People may have things to teach us. They may have more information than we have, and may appear more confident or forceful than we feel. But we are equals. Our magic is not in them. Our magic, our light, is in us. And it is as bright a light as theirs.

We are not second-class citizens. By owning our power, we don't have to become aggressive or controlling. We don't have to discount others. But we don't discount ourselves either.

Today, I will own my power with people. I will let myself know what I know, feel what I feel, believe what I believe, and see what I see. I will be open to changing and learning from others and experience, but I will trust and validate myself too. I will stand in my own truth.

Spent most of my life looking for something outside of myself for something to make me feel better. I looked for that validation and affirmation because I couldn't find it within myself.

My sponsor always said, "Check your motive and intent."

[MajestyJo]

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Charity

We need healthy boundaries about receiving money, and we need healthy boundaries about giving money. Some of us give money for inappropriate reasons.

We may be ashamed because we have money and don't believe we deserve it. We may belong to an organization that uses shame as a form of control to coerce us out of our money that the organization wants.

We can get hooked into giving money to our children, family members, or friends because we have earned or unearned guilt. We allow ourselves to be financially blackmailed, sometimes by the people we love. This is not money freely given, or given in health.

Some of us give money out of a sense of caretaking. We may have exaggerated feelings of responsibility for others, including financial responsibility.

We may be giving simply because we have not learned to own our power to say no when the answer is no.

Some of us give because we hope or believe people will love us if we take care of them financially.

We do not have to give money to anyone. Giving money is our choice. We do not have to allow ourselves to be victimized, manipulated, or coerced out of our money. We are financially responsible for ourselves. Part of being healthy is allowing those around us to be financially responsible for themselves.

We do not have to be ashamed about having the money that we earn; we deserve to have it - whatever the amount - without feeling obligated to give it all away, or guilty because others want what we have.

Charity is a blessing. Giving is part of healthy living. We can learn to develop healthy boundaries around giving.

Today, I will strive to begin developing healthy boundaries about giving money. I understand that giving is my choice.

For so many years, because I was on Mother's Allowance and disability, I said, "Charity begins at home." Then I learned that giving didn't always mean money. I could give of myself to take time to talk and share with someone, I could take time to help someone do a chore, work through the Steps, and take a person to a meeting.

God says in the Bible, to give love, hope, and charity. The greatest thing is love.

http://biblehub.com/1_corinthians/13-13.htm

The program is applicable to my home, to my community, to my job, as well as inside the rooms of recovery.

[MajestyJo]

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Trusting God

A married couple, friends of mine, decided to make some changes in their living situation. They had always lived in the city, and now they decided they wanted to live in the country, on a lake.

They found a small lake home. It wasn't the house of their dreams, but when they sold their city home, they would have money to remodel it. They had saved some money, so they moved into their lake home before selling their city home.

One year passed, and the city home didn't sell. My friends went through many changes during this time. They had times of patience and impatience. Some days they trusted God; other days they couldn't figure out why God was making them wait so long, why God wouldn't let them move forward with their plan. The doors just wouldn't swing wide open.

One day, a neighbor came to visit my friends. His home on the lake was my friends' dream home -- everything they wanted, plus more. The first time my friends saw this house, they admired it, wishing they could have a home just like it, but then they forgot about the idea. They didn't believe it could ever be possible.

The reason the neighbor came to visit my friends was that he and his wife had decided to move. He offered my friends the first option on purchasing his home.

My friends accepted his offer, and signed a purchase agreement. Within two months, they sold their city home and their small but adequate lake home. A short time later, they moved into the home of their dreams.

Sometimes, we experience times of frustration in our life. We believe we're on track, trusting God and ourselves, yet things don't work out. We have false starts and stops. The door refuses to swing wide open. We may wonder if God has abandoned us, or doesn't care. We may not understand where we're going, or what our direction is.

Then one day we see: the reason we didn't get what we wanted was because God had something much better planned for us.

Today, I will practice patience. I will ask, and trust, my Higher Power to send me His best.

Trust God and clean house. Just because it feels good and looks good, doesn't mean it isn't subject to change and growth.

[MajestyJo]

Thursday, June 5, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Combating Shame

Shame can hold us back, hold us down, and keep us staring at our feet.
—Beyond Codependency

Watch out for shame.

Many systems and people reek of shame. They are controlled by shame and may want us to play their game with them. They may be hoping to hook us and control us through shame.

We don't have to fall into their shame. Instead, we'll take the good feelings - self-acceptance, love, and nurturing.

Compulsive behaviors, sexually addictive behaviors, overeating, chemical abuse, and addictive gambling are shame-based behaviors. If we participate in them, we will feel ashamed. It's inevitable. We need to watch out for addictive and other compulsive behaviors because those will immerse us in shame.

Our past, and the brainwashing we may have had that imposed "original shame" upon us, may try to put shame on us. This can happen when we're all alone, walking through the grocery store or just quietly going about living our life. Don't think . . . Don't feel . . . Don't grow or change . . .Don't be alive . . . Don't live life . . . Be ashamed!

Be done with shame. Attack shame. Go to war with it. Learn to recognize it and avoid it like the plague.

Today, I will deliberately refuse to get caught up in the shame floating around in the world. If I cannot resist it, I will feel it, accept it, and then be done with it as quickly as possible. God, help me know that it's okay to love myself and help me to refuse to submit to shame. If I get off course, help me learn to change shame into guilt, correct the behavior, and move forward with my life in immediate self-love.

Shame made me think I was undeserving of recovery. I was the badest of the bad. I came to belief if I take out the sham, all I was left was me. It was up to me as to what kind of 'me' I wanted to be.

The program is applicable to all areas of my life. For years I thought I was just fine, I am not as bad as him or her and yet on close inspection, I was just as bad or worse. I had to learn that I am not my disease, and whether I am in my space as a recovering alcoholic, I am in the addiction of my childhood and young adult years. I found out in Al-Anon that often family of the A, is sicker than the alcoholic/addict. It is the thinking behind the disease. I can't change them, I don't have the power. I can change myself, I have the power, not me but my Higher Power, who I choose to call God. I found out that God was an old tape for me, I had to build a relationship and make it personal. God doesn't make any junk. A phrase that has stayed with me for many 24 hours.

[MajestyJo]

Friday, June 6, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

The Gift of Readiness

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
—Step Six of Al-Anon

We progress to the Sixth Step by working diligently, to the best of our ability, on the first Five Steps. This work readies us for a change of heart, openness to becoming changed by a Power greater than ourselves - God.

The path to this willingness can be long and hard. Many of us have to struggle with a behavior or feeling before we become ready to let it go. We need to see, over and over again, that the coping device that once protected us is no longer useful.

The defects of character referred to in Step Six are old survival behaviors that once helped us cope with people, life, and ourselves. But now they are getting in our way, and it is time to be willing to have them removed.

Trust in this time. Trust that you are being readied to let go of that which is no longer useful. Trust that a change of heart is being worked out in you.

God, help me become ready to let go of my defects of character. Help me know, in my mind and soul, that I am ready to let go of my self defeating behaviors, the blocks and barriers to my life.

In all things I have to come to a place of readiness or the program doesn't work. That is when I have to pray for the willingness to be willing.

I came to the fellowship(s) and found people doing what I had been trying to do my way for 8 years. They carried a message to me. The program works if I am willing to work for it. Through them I learned to trust the program, and through the program, I learned to trust the God of my understanding.

[MajestyJo]

Saturday, June 7, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Into Orbit

It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER.
—Codependent No More

I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I'll be the one to do that, and then he'll change. . . . She's never been with anybody trustworthy before. I'll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she'll be able to love. . . . Nobody's been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I'll be the one to do that. . . . Nobody's ever really given him a chance. . . . Nobody's ever really believed in him before. . . .

These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we're thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.

If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.

This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us. t will be self-defeating.

We may be "the one" all right - the one to wind up victimized.

The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.

Nobody in the past has really understood him. . . . Nobody has seen what I see in her. . . . It's a set up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.

Nobody has appreciated him enough. . . . Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do. . . . It's a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're out to show people we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.

We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or "the one who will."

The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.

God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.

That is where all my relationships went. Because of my addiction, I never properly grieved or dealt with the issues of a relationship, before I got into another. After 2 abusive marriages and several abusive relationships, the last guy got the accumulation of all those who had gone before, and the poor guy did not have a chance. I could not see him for himself, and projected all the sins of those who went before.

I did not get into a relationship until I was 7 years sober. Then I learned to identify not compare.

[MajestyJo]

Sunday, June 8, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Fun

Have some fun - with life, with the day.

Life is not drudgery; that is an old belief. Let go of it. We are on an adventure, a journey. Events will come to pass that we cannot now fathom.

Replace heaviness and weariness of spirit with joy. Surround yourself with people and things that bring lightness of spirit.

Become sensitive to lightness of spirit.

The journey can be an exciting adventure. Let yourself enjoy it.

God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.

If you aren't having fun in recovery, what are you doing wrong?

Don't put your life on hold for someone else, live your own life and enjoy it.

[MajestyJo]

Monday, June 9, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Panic

Few situations - no matter how greatly they appear to demand it - can be bettered by us going berserk.
—Codependent No More

Don't panic!

If a swimmer was crossing a great lake, then suddenly focused too heavily on the distance remaining, he might start to flounder and go under - not because he couldn't swim, but because he became overwhelmed by panic.

Panic, not the task, is the enemy.

Many of us have moments when we feel crowded and overwhelmed. We have times when we feel like we cannot possibly accomplish all that needs to be done.

We may be facing a task at work, an improvement in ourselves, or change in our family life.

For a moment, it is helpful to look forward and envision the project. It is normal, when we look ahead at what needs to be done, to have moments of panic. Feel the fear, then let it go. Take our eyes off the future and the enormity of the task. If we have envisioned the goal, it will be ours. We do not have to do everything today, or at once.

Focus on today. Focus on the belief that all is well. All we need to do to reach our goal is to focus on what presents itself naturally, and in an orderly way, to us today. We shall be empowered to accomplish, peacefully, what we need to get where we want to be tomorrow.

Panic will stop this process. Trust and guided action will further it. Breathe deeply. Get peaceful. Trust. Act as guided, today.

We can get back on track by treading water until we regain our composure. Once we feel peaceful, we can begin swimming again, with confidence. Keep the focus simple, on one stroke, one movement at a time. If we can make one movement, we have progressed. If we get tired, we can float -- but only if we are relaxed. Before we know it, we shall reach the shore.

Today, I will believe that all is well. I am being led, but I shall only be led one day at a time. I will focus my energy on living this day to the best of my ability. If panic arises, I will stop all activity and deal with panic as a separate issue.

Panic for me is lack of trust. Worry that God can't handle things and I am not putting my faith in Him.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/panic

[MajestyJo]

Panic Attacks and Panic Disorders. A lot can be handled through our God and the program. I prefer it to taking a pill. Sometimes depending on the person, that is what is needed.

The 12 Step Program is applicable to all areas of my life.

http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/g...panic-disorder

[MajestyJo]

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Responsibility

Self care means taking responsibility for ourselves. Taking responsibility for ourselves includes assuming our true responsibilities to others.

Sometimes, when we begin recovery, we're worn down from feeling responsible for so many other people. Learning that we need only take responsibility for ourselves may be such a great relief that, for a time, we disown our responsibilities to others.

The goal in recovery is to find the balance: we take responsibility for ourselves, and we identify our true responsibilities to others.

This may take some sorting through, especially if we have functioned for years on distorted notions about our responsibilities to others. We may be responsible to one person as a friend or as an employee; to another person, we're responsible as an employer or as a spouse. With each person, we have certain responsibilities. When we tend to those true responsibilities, we'll find balance in our life.

We are also learning that while others aren't responsible for us, they are accountable to us in certain ways.

We can learn to discern our true responsibilities for ourselves, and to others. We can allow others to be responsible for themselves and expect them to be appropriately responsible to us.

We'll need to be gentle with ourselves while we learn.

Today, I will strive for clear thinking about my actual responsibilities to others. I will assume these responsibilities as part of taking care of myself.

I am responsible for taking care of me, but without you there is no me.

[MajestyJo]

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Moving Forward

Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.

It doesn't help.

It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.

Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.

So true, every time my son got involved in something, a friend or a sponsee relapsed, I ran to Al-Anon. I didn't have a CoDA meeting near me, I kept thinking of starting one, but never got there.

I am powerless over alcohol, along with peopole, places and things, and my life is unmanageable when managed by me, my life is unmanageable when I try to manage other people's lives and try them into the way I would have them go. My live is unmanageable, and I don't grow, if I am focusing on others and not focused on my own recovery. It all begins with me.

[MajestyJo]

Thursday, June 12, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Spontaneity and Fun

Practice being spontaneous. Practice having fun.

The joy of recovery is that we finally get to experiment. We get to learn new behaviors, and we don't have to do them perfectly. We only need to find a way that works for us. We even have fun experimenting, learning what we like, and how to do what we like.

Many of us have gotten into a rut with rigidity, martyrdom, and deprivation. One of the "normal" experiences many of us have been deprived of is having fun. Another one is being spontaneous. We may not have the foggiest notion what we would like to do for fun. And we may hold ourselves in check so tightly that we wouldn't allow ourselves to try something fun anyway.

We can let ourselves go a little now and then. We can loosen up a bit. We don't have to be so stiff and rigid, so frightened about being who we are. Take some risks. Try some new activities. What would we like to do? What might we enjoy doing? Then, take another risk. Pick out a movie we'd like to see; call a friend, and invite him or her to go along. If that person says no, try someone else, or try again another time.

Decide to try something, and then go through with it. Go once. Go twice. Practice having fun until fun becomes fun.

Today, I will do something just for fun. I will practice having fun until I actually enjoy it.

As I like to say, "If you aren't having fun in recovery, what are you doing wrong?" You have been given a second chance at life, enjoy!

[MajestyJo]

Friday, June 13, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Hanging on to Old Relationships

We want to travel baggage-free on this journey. It makes the trip easier.

Some of the baggage we can let go of is lingering feelings and unfinished business with past relationships: anger, resentments, feelings of victimization, hurt, or longing.

If we have not put closure on a relationship, if we cannot walk away in peace, we have not yet learned our lesson. That may mean we will have to have another go around with that lesson before we are ready to move on.

We may want to do a Fourth Step (a written inventory of our relationships) and a Fifth Step (an admission of our wrongs). What feelings did we leave with in a particular relationship? Are we still carrying those feelings around? Do we want the heaviness and impact of that baggage on our behavior today?

Are we still feeling victimized, rejected, or bitter about something that happened two, five, ten, or even twenty years ago?

It may be time to let it go. It may be time to open ourselves to the true lesson from that experience. It may be time to put past relationships to rest, so we are free to go on to new, more rewarding experiences.

We can choose to live in the past, or we can choose to finish our old business from the past and open ourselves to the beauty of today.

Let go of your baggage from past relationships.

Today, I will open myself to the cleansing and healing process that will put closure on yesterday and open me to the best today, and tomorrow, has to offer in my relationships.

When I realized that I carried the hurts and pain of one relationship and carried into the next one, and because I was using, I didn't grieve properly. By the time I got to recovery at the age of 49, I was so full of anger and resentment, and had a hard time letting it all go. So grateful for the program, that led me to my God, who saw me through it all. I found I had to acknowledge it before I could let it go.

[MajestyJo]

Saturday, June 14, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Letting Go of Timing

"When the time is right, child." When the time is right. How often have we heard those words - from a friend, a sponsor, our Higher Power?

We want things so badly - that job, that check, a relationship, a possession. We want our life to change.

So we wait, sometimes patiently, sometimes anxiously, wondering all the while: When will the future bring me what I long for? Will I be happy then?

We try to predict, circling dates on the calendar, asking questions. We forget that we don't hold the answers. The answers come from God. If we listen closely, we'll hear them. When the time is right, child. When the time is right.

Be happy now.

Today, I will relax. I am being prepared. I can let go of timing. I can stop manipulating outcomes. Good things will happen when the time is right, and they will happen naturally.

Love this it is so true, thanks to working the Steps, I know longer have to act out in my disease. I don't have to manipulate, role play, try to make things happen, or dictate other people's lives according to my divine providence.

I can just be in the now and things will unfold very well without me.