The Reality of Relapse

[MajestyJo]

The Reality of Relapse

Cunning and baffling as this disease is, the reality of relapse at any time hit home yesterday. After 22 months clean my addict relapsed into oblivion.

Today was his departed father's birthday. So he had gone to the cemetery to pay respects .... at least that is what I was told. He left the house at 7AM. I got a phone call at **8 PM** with his sob story of how he was drunk and that the car broke down. And he was stuck at a closed gas station waiting for roadside assistance.

I was angry , no furious, my blood was boiling with rage. I knew already from my years in the program what I had to do. Get to a meeting, network, talk it out, pray & meditate. The hardest part was consoling my 2 daughters. Making them face the reality of this life long disease and conveying to them that his actions were not their fault.

After several hours had past, and I did what I needed to, to keep my sanity the addict came home. Guessing it was probably 1 or 2 AM. He undressed and slipped into bed. I guess we were both staring at the ceiling in silence. Finally he said he was sorry for all the pain he had caused and finally confessed to what was really going on. No he had not been drinking he went back to his old drug of choice... crack. And no this was not the first relapse. He hasn't been clean since 9/11. Using spoadically , trying to keep it under control.

For me this was the hardest part. How could I be so blind not to see him using again? I did suspect something about a month ago but my own guilt over judging his program got in the way.

It is weird but there is now this sense of calmness, serenity, peace. Ok he messed up and has flaws, but I can accept them. I don't have to condone them. We all have have our own unique individual flaws and we are accepted in spite of them so why should the addict be any different?

Is this the whole truth? I have no idea and using my tools of detachment I really don't care when and how with whom or how much he used. I am just grateful he is home to start another day with a fresh clean slate. Pray for us all.

Received with thank from my friend Arlene

[MajestyJo]

Once again I want to thank all of my friends in recovery for their strength and support.

Today is day two after the relapse. The addict has already been to three meetings and fessed up numerous times.... a good thing. He is trying to get honest with himself and the world and make peace with his HP.

For me ... Many of you have mentioned the "pain" and "hurt" that I must be going through. Honestly... I don't feel the pain or hurt. (Accept for my kids) . But for me personally I am quiet calm and serene. I don't feel the pain or hurt. I am not sitting here crying "Oh why me?"

Little story...

A long time ago when I went to one his open CA meetings and he stood up and said "Hi my name is XXX & I am an addict." I cried, the tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. So this was what life was going to be. Living with an addict. Pain and suffering, hurt and lies, money disappearing and late nights out and all the other attributes that come with addiction.

For me the only way to sanity was to plunge myself into my program and learn the tools that I needed for survival. As I learned I grew. It was not a fast quick road that I was on , but one that was sure in it's course.

I learned so many wonderful things both about myself, the addict and most importantly God. I learned about acceptance, gratitude, love, and placing blame. I learned about judging others and myself. In essence I learned how to be a loving human being with God at my side.

So with all this stored information tucked somewhere in my little brain the reality of relapse for me has not been painful. I have accepted the fact that he is an addict and he is just doing what addicts do. God wanted this to happen for a reason. Maybe to make both of us more aware of the reality of the world around us. Maybe to make us both a lot more honest in our doings. Maybe to wake us both up from our comfortable day in day out routines. Maybe to take us to the next level of living life.

I don't have a clue right now what God's reasoning was but I am glad that it happened. Not to mock the addict or put him down in any way but as a way to get him honest and do the things he needs to. To dig deep down and really feel. To keep me focused where I need to be focused.

So my thanks to this program and all the wonderful folks in it on both sides of the hall. For they have all given me their best ESH and tools available to me. So today is filled with God , peace, calmness and serenity.

Posted in 2005

[MajestyJo]

BUILDING A NEW LIFE

CREATE IN ME A CLEAN HEART

"Create in me a clean heart, 0 God; and renew a right spirit within me." Ps.51:10

O Father, creator of all Life, Truth, and Beauty, To feel separated from you is death, darkness and despair.
Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.

Let Thy Light shine through my darkness.

I am through with selfish seeking for the loaves and fishes.

I am through with endless looking over my shoulder for signs following.

It is enough to seek Thee only. It is all that is important to me.

Thy Light is the answer to all of my problems.
Thy Truth is my healing.

I am opening my heart to receive Thy Love.
Let it cast out: my selfish aspirations for human recognition, my own self-manufactured goodness full of pride, my criticisms, condemnations, and my judgments, my resistances, resentments and my minor irritations.

I would be a clear channel for Thy Light, a better instrument for Christ.

I ask to live as a son of God and glorify Thee, Father.

And so it is.

Love and God Bless

It was so difficult for me when my son went into rehab 5 times, and made the decision to continue using. He says in today, `He will never go back to meetings.` It is his decision, he must walk his own path, and all I can do is pray for him.

As the slogan says, `Live and let live.` I need to live my life and allow Him to live his.

A loss and a change in my life, can bring about grief. I need to allow myself to work through it.