Step Ten

[bluidkiti]

AA Step Ten

"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

As we work the first nine Steps, we prepare ourselves for the adventure of a new life. But when we approach Step Ten we commence to put our A.A. way of living to practical use, day by day, in fair weather or foul. Then comes the acid test: can we stay sober, keep in emotional balance, and live to good purpose under all conditions? A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us. We alcoholics have learned this the hard way. More experienced people, of course, in all times and places have practiced unsparing self-survey and criticism. For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong. When a drunk has a terrific hangover because he drank heavily yesterday, he cannot live well today. But there is another kind of hangover which we all experience whether we are drinking or not. That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday's and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion--anger, fear, jealousy, and the like. If we would live serenely today and tomorrow, we certainly need to eliminate these hangovers. This doesn't mean we need to wander morbidly around in the past. It requires an admission and correction of errors now. Our inventory enables us to settle with the past. When this is done, we are really able to leave it behind us. When our inventory is carefully taken, and we have made peace with ourselves, the conviction follows that tomorrow's challenges can be met as they come. Although all inventories are alike in principle, the time factor does distinguish one from another. There's the spot check inventory, taken at any time of the day, whenever we find ourselves getting tangled up. There's the one we take at day's end, when we review the happenings of the hours just past. Here we cast up a balance sheet, crediting ourselves with things well done, and chalking up debits where due. Then there are those occasions when alone, or in the company of our sponsor or spiritual adviser, we make a careful review of our progress since the last time. Many A.A.'s go in for annual or semiannual housecleanings. Many of us also like the experience of an occasional retreat from the outside world where we can quiet down for an undisturbed day or so of self-overhaul and meditation. Aren't these practices joy-killers as well as time-consumers? Must A.A.'s spend most of their waking hours drearily rehashing their sins of omission or commission? Well, hardly. The emphasis on inventory is heavy only because a great many of us have never really acquired the habit of accurate self-appraisal. Once this healthy practice has become grooved, it will be so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed. For these minutes and sometimes hours spent in self-examination are bound to make all the other hours of our day better and happier. And at length our inventories become a regular part of everyday living, rather than something unusual or set apart. Before we ask what a spot-check inventory is, let's look at the kind of setting in which such an inventory can do its work. It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about "justifiable" anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? Can't we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it. Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well-nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger. As we saw it, our wrath was always justified. Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These emotional "dry benders" often led straight to the bottle. Other kinds of disturbances--jealousy, envy, self-pity, or hurt pride--did the same thing. A spot-check inventory taken in the midst of such disturbances can be of very great help in quieting stormy emotions. Today's spot check finds its chief application to situations which arise in each day's march. The consideration of long-standing difficulties had better be postponed, when possible, to times deliberately set aside for that purpose. The quick inventory is aimed at our daily ups and downs, especially those where people or new events throw us off balance and tempt us to make mistakes. In all these situations we need self-restraint, honest analysis of what is involved, a willingness to admit when the fault is ours, and an equal willingness to forgive when the fault is elsewhere. We need not be discouraged when we fall into the error of our old ways, for these disciplines are not easy. We shall look for progress, not for perfection. Our first objective will be the development of self restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year. Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic. Disagreeable or unexpected problems are not the only ones that call for self-control. We must be quite as careful when we begin to achieve some measure of importance and material success. For no people have ever loved personal triumphs more than we have loved them; we drank of success as of a wine which could never fail to make us feel elated. When temporary good fortune came our way, we indulged ourselves in fantasies of still greater victories over people and circumstances. Thus blinded by prideful self confidence, we were apt to play the big shot. Of course, people turned away from us, bored or hurt. Now that we're in A.A. and sober, and winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against "big-shot-ism" we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours. Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up. Such a radical change in our outlook will take time, maybe a lot of time. Not many people can truthfully assert that they love everybody. Most of us must admit that we have loved but a few; that we have been quite indifferent to the many so long as none of them gave us trouble; and as for the remainder--well, we have really disliked or hated them. Although these attitudes are common enough, we A.A.'s find we need something much better in order to keep our balance. We can't stand it if we hate deeply. The idea that we can be possessively loving of a few, can ignore the many, and can continue to fear or hate anybody, has to be abandoned, if only a little at a time. We can try to stop making unreasonable demands upon those we love. We can show kindness where we had shown none. With those we dislike we can begin to practice justice and courtesy, perhaps going out of our way to understand and help them. Whenever we fail any of these people, we can promptly admit it--to ourselves always, and to them also, when the admission would be helpful. Courtesy, kindness, justice, and love are the keynotes by which we may come into harmony with practically anybody. When in doubt we can always pause, saying, "Not my will, but Thine, be done." And we can often ask ourselves, "Am I doing to others as I would have them do to me--today?" When evening comes, perhaps just before going to sleep, many of us draw up a balance sheet for the day. This is a good place to remember that inventory-taking is not always done in red ink. It's a poor day indeed when we haven't done something right. As a matter of fact, the waking hours are usually well filled with things that are constructive. Good intentions, good thoughts, and good acts are there for us to see. Even when we have tried hard and failed, we may chalk that up as one of the greatest credits of all. Under these conditions, the pains of failure are converted into assets. Out of them we receive the stimulation we need to go forward. Someone who knew what he was talking about once remarked that pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress. How heartily we A.A.'s can agree with him, for we know that the pains of drinking had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoil before serenity. As we glance down the debit side of the day's ledger, we should carefully examine our motives in each thought or act that appears to be wrong. In most cases our motives won't be hard to see and understand. When prideful, angry, jealous, anxious, or fearful, we acted accordingly, and that was that. Here we need only recognize that we did act or think badly, try to visualize how we might have done better, and resolve with God's help to carry these lessons over into tomorrow, making, of course, any amends still neglected. But in other instances only the closest scrutiny will reveal what our true motives were. There are cases where our ancient enemy, rationalization, has stepped in and has justified conduct which was really wrong. The temptation here is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn't. We "constructively criticized" someone who needed it, when our real motive was to win a useless argument. Or, the person concerned not being present, we thought we were helping others to understand him, when in actuality our true motive was to feel superior by pulling him down. We sometimes hurt those we love because they need to be "taught a lesson," when we really want to punish. We were depressed and complained we felt bad, when in fact we were mainly asking for sympathy and attention. This odd trait of mind and emotion, this perverse wish to hide a bad motive underneath a good one, permeates human affairs from top to bottom. This subtle and elusive kind of self-righteousness can underlie the smallest act or thought. Learning daily to spot, admit, and correct these flaws is the essence of character-building and good living. An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we shall seek. Having so considered our day, not omitting to take due note of things well done, and having searched our hearts with neither fear nor favor, we can truly thank God for the blessings we have received and sleep in good conscience.

[bluidkiti]

NA STEP TEN

"We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

It seems as though after we come into recovery, we have this illusion that everything should fall into place. We think that the bill collectors should stop harassing us just because we’re not doing drugs any longer. We believe that our immediate family members should trust us as though nothing had ever happened. What we fail to see is that the past incidents we created while using have destroyed many bonds of trust and love from others. Through working the 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous, we can slowly start to clean up our side of the street. There is no guarantee that we will be accepted as we were before. We will face many roadblocks in our recovery but as long as we abstain from using, we can face each problem with a clear mind and conscience. This ability insures that just that much sooner can we resolve these issues and move on in life.

When we were in total desperation, we were unable to admit fault or to make amends to those we had injured. This inability to risk loss by admission was only a pronounced symptom of our powerlessness. As we begin to adjust to plenty, the fear of loss lessens proportionately. The time that we take to consider our inventory and admit our faults promptly, releases us from feeling bound by the tension that others have when we are at fault. We are only being considerate when we take this time to do an honest evaluation. If we are at fault, how can we pretend otherwise? It is ‘not knowing’ that has caused us much of our problems. Trying to cover up our wrongs and misdirect the attention to others only leaves us holding the bag. Taking a daily inventory and making amends prevents the build-up of undone evaluations and opportunities to set things right. ‘Balance’ demands that we do something to make up for the human errors that will occur in daily life. Addicts are fearful by nature and it’s harder for us to realize that most mistakes are not big deals and frequently people just want to keep it from happening again. Our disease restricts our ability to live life on life's terms. Therefore, instead of letting our friends know what we did wrong, we hold back and the wrongdoing enlarges. We don't tell our spouse and unwanted pain comes to them from our fear of responsibilities. Generally, much of this is due to our simple awkwardness and unfamiliarity with spiritual principles. For instance, we have a problem at work where something breaks or goes wrong and we attempt to cover it up. The difficulty lies in the fact that we may not yet realize that we are someone and our being a 'witness' is part of reality. Blocking the truth out of our consciousness takes more energy than simply confessing to the error and promising to do better!

Being able to stop the daily build-up of unmade amends allows us to recover the time and energy we would otherwise waste. We are free to put this gift of life’s time to better use. How we feel is dependent on what we are doing, how we do it and why we are doing it. This is where the intense interaction among members in and out of meetings is so crucial. No substitution exists for the honest observations and corrective positive caring that we can get at close quarters from someone who understands and likes us. The Program works for us in many unspoken ways. We begin to feel better as our general sensibility increases along with our ability to do things to please ourselves without injuring others. Our hope, energy and enthusiasm spills over into everything we do. A sad addict is depressing but a happy addict is like a bonfire in the darkness!

Honest means focusing on the present reality. Becoming honest means becoming vulnerable. Letting ourselves and others become aware of how we are feeling is a risk that we have to take. When we become honest with ourselves, we have the choice to accept, justify or rationalize every single situation in which we find ourselves. To ‘accept’ is to love ourselves and know that we’re okay. To ‘justify’ or ‘rationalize’ means to continue our suffering by making excuses and blaming others for our feelings. It seems like a simple choice but for an addict, it is a hard one. Daily honesty is being true to the things we believe in which is a large part of being true to ourselves. We know that if we are not totally honest with a given situation or are honest in only part of it, we will still feel miserable with ourselves, to some extent. Dishonesty also makes our self-acceptance issues that much harder to recognize. Once we begin to practice honesty with ourselves, we get a sense of release from our disease. We will start to have a more positive outlook on life as we continue to be honest. More people will learn to trust us. Eventually, they may ask us to share our experience with them.

Amends and recompense may seem to be simply methods of freeing us from the effects of our past. The whole point of recovery is to achieve freedom from active addiction, including it’s side effects - not to indulge our disease by immersing ourselves in seemingly endless, unrealistic, and pretentious guilt assumption. Most of us, especially when new to recovery, tend to overstate our wrongs in areas we don't care about and pass over lightly those things that we really feel badly about. Sleight of hand doesn’t help us fool others or ourselves. To be free from active addiction, we have to be receptive to the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps. The world would be hopelessly immoral if we didn't have a way to make amends. If harm is real injury, then it only stands to reason that recompense must be possible. When we are guilty of harming someone, we restore to the best of our ability that which we took from the injured person. We attempt to do the same with those who were hurt other than the person whom we injured, if necessary. We must act in order to reach some point of peace.

An addict reflects, "Today, honesty is about what I really believe and I believe in what works. It doesn't matter if it is ‘socially-acceptable’ or seems silly. If I am comfortable and the process works to help me in my recovery, it is honest. I need to accept it, square my shoulders, plant my feet, quiet my mind and face life head on.

"It is important to honestly accept my responsibilities for my recovery and lovingly leave your responsibilities and recovery to you. ‘ Blaming’ is a self-centered mindset in which I set myself up as judge. Feeling like I have power leads me only to pain. Honest surrender leads to peace. I need to learn to recognize and ask for what I need. I need to give myself permission to have what I, and all addicts and humans want - love, nurturing, prosperity, freedom and joy. Honesty and love are no longer acceptable justifications for my intentionally hurting or manipulating another. I must clearly understand my motives so that I can proceed gently, lovingly, and spiritually to share what was so freely given to me.

"Sometimes the most honest thing I can do to help another addict is to shut-up and listen. I must always remember that my moral standards are not theirs. My specifics, rituals or beliefs are not universal. The principles contained within and the processes by which we apply these principles are indeed universal and eternal. I must be true to the principles and process and let the specifics change by being honest and recognizing what I can change. Honesty with a sponsee may be simply being lovingly patient while waiting for them to become willing. To force her growth may cause her unnecessary pain and will certainly strain my tolerance. I have great difficulty in being ‘H.O.W.’ (short for honesty, open-mindedness and the willingness to try), when face-to-face with anyone who is not accepting and loving. I must always remember this especially when dealing with other addicts. My disease convinces me on a daily basis that I honestly do not know how to cope with ‘happy, joyous and free’ but recovery says, ‘Try!’"

[MajestyJo]

Step Ten is a living Step. Some people call it maintenance, yet for me, it is a daily thing and often any time during the day, that I feel stressed, overwhelmed, and/or up against a wall. I need to look at what got me there. We are where we are at in today as a result of decisions made, even those in recovery.

Maintenance means once a week, month, year, but this is a one day at a time program. I started working Step 10 in my life as soon as I was detoxed and able to get honest with myself, able to have an open mind, and willing to do what ever it takes to stay clean and sober.

For it is morning and night and all day too.

[MajestyJo]

STEP TEN: Continued to take personal inventory
and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
"Finally, we begin to see that all people, including
ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well
as frequently wrong, and then we approach true
tolerance and see what real love for our fellows
actually means. It will become more and more
evident as we go forward that it is pointless to
become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like
us, are suffering from the pains of growing up."

© 1952, AAWS, Inc.,
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 92

This is a maintenance Step and one that I need to practice daily, often many times during a day, especially going through this troubled time. I have no right to take my pain out on others.

So many times we forget that our body has memories of pain suffered in the past. The pain sometimes seems it is on the outside, but it is not skin deep, they have many layers and go deep.

[MajestyJo]

Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and
when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

We can try to stop making unreasonable demands
upon those we love. We can show kindness where
we had shown none. With those we dislike we can
begin to practice justice and courtesy, perhaps going
out of our way to understand and help them.

Whenever we fail any of these people, we can promptly
admit it - to ourselves always, and to them also, when
the admission would be helpful. Courtesy, kindness,
justice, and love are the keynotes by which we may
come into harmony with practically anybody. When in
doubt we can always pause, saying, "Not my will, but
Thine, be done." And we can often ask ourselves, "Am
I doing to others as I would have them do to me - today?"

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 93

A good reminder for me that this is a program of reflection. For every finger I point at some person, place or thing, I have three coming back at me. It is generally something wrong within me that is out of balance and is being reflected or it is my own denial and tunnel vision looking out instead of in.

[MajestyJo]

Keynotes

STEP TEN: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

"Courtesy, kindness, justice, and love are the keynotes by which we may come into harmony with practically anybody. When in doubt we can always pause, saying, 'Not my will, but Thine, be done.' And we can often ask ourselves, 'Am I doing to others as I would have them do to me - today?'"

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 93

This step and the Al-Anon slogan "Let It Begin With Me" helps me to look at myself and own my side of the street. It is important in today, not to take on what is not mine. Old tapes are killers. For so many years I had a false sense of reality and responsibility, so in today, I need to look at what is mine, take it to God, and work on changing it, validating and affirming it, and most of all, practice, practice a new way of thinking into good living.

[MajestyJo]

Step 10 is a maintenance step. It allows me to start and end my day with my God. The good orderly direction that I need to get me through the day clean and sober. I started using this step in order to stay clean and sober to work the others. It might not have been worked the way others do or think it should be done, I did it to the best of my ability in today.

I heard a woman share her story and she said, "I had to learn about and live the Traditions to live long enough to work the Steps." I went to a lot of Tradition meetings as well as Step, Big Book, and discussion meetings. I generally only went to speaker meetings for a celebration. I found that you could hide in speaker meetings and not get active, not always, many people stayed sober that way, but I didn't go regularly until I was about 10 years sober.

DAILY OM

Conscious Creation
The First Moments Of The Day

The moment during the day when we very first open our eyes and come into consciousness is a precious opportunity. It sets the tone for all that comes after it, like the opening scene in a film or novel. At this moment, our ability to create the day is at its most powerful, and we can offer ourselves fully to the creative process by filling this moment with whatever inspires us most. It may be that we want to be more generous, or it may be that we want to be more open to beauty in our daily lives. Whatever the case, if we bring this vision into our minds at this very fertile moment, we empower it to be the guiding principle of our day.

Sometimes we wake up with a mood already seemingly in place, and it’s important to give this feeling its due. It can inform us and deepen our awareness to what’s going on inside us, as well as around us. As long as we are conscious, we can honor this feeling and also introduce our new affirmation or vision, our conscious offering to the day. We may want to decide before we go to sleep what we want to bring to the next day of our lives. It could be that we simply want to be more open to whatever comes our way. Or we may want to summon a particular quality such as confidence. Then again, we may simply call up a feeling that perfectly captures the texture we want our day to have.

We can reaffirm our vision or affirmation as we shower and eat breakfast, as well as recalling it at various times throughout the day. We can write it down and carry it with us on a little slip of paper if this helps. Simply by being aware of those first moments, we set the stage for a more conscious, enlivened experience, and we become active participants in the creation of our lives.