CODEPENDANCY

[MajestyJo]

This is a page of the Joy2MeU web site of codependency therapist / inner child healing pioneer / Spiritual teacher Robert Burney - who is the author of the inspirational life changing book of Spirituality: Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls.


Prayer for Codependents
God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change,
The courage to change the person I can,
And the wisdom to know that is ME!
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The Personal Bill of Rights

1. Life should have choices beyond mere survival.

2. You have the right to say no to anything when you feel you are not ready or it is not safe.

3. Life should not be motivated by fear.

4. You have a right to all of your feelings.

5. You are probably not guilty.

6. You have a right to make mistakes.

7. There is no need to smile when you cry.

8. You have a right to terminate conversations with people who make you feel put down or humiliated.

9. You can be healthier than those around you.

10. It is OK to be relaxed, playful, and frivolous.

11. You have a right to change and grow.

12. It is important to set limits and be selfish.

13. You can be angry at someone you love.

14. You can take care of yourself, no matter what circumstances you are in.

Original Source Unknown
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Characteristics of Adults Shamed in Childhood

Adults Shamed in Childhood . . . .
1. . . . are afraid of vulnerability and fear exposure of self.

2. . . . may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment, and feelings of inferiority to others.

3. . . . fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships.

4. . . . may appear either grandiose and self-centered, or seem selfless.

5. . . . feel that "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference: I am and always will be worthless and unlovable."

6. . . . frequently feel defensive when even minor negative feedback is given. They may suffer severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.

7. . . . frequently blame others before they can be blamed.

8. . . . may apologize constantly and assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.

9. . . . often feel like outsiders and have a pervasive feeling of loneliness, even when surrounded by those who love and care for them.

10. . . . project their beliefs about themselves onto others, frequently engaging in "mind-reading" and constantly feeling judged by others.

11. . . . . often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves.

12. . . . often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect, and may be overly focused on make-up or clothing as a way of hiding perceived flaws in self.

13. . . . often feel controlled from the outside as well as within; normal spontaneous expression is blocked.

14. . . . often suffer from performance anxiety and procrastination and depression.

15. . . . often lie to themselves and others.

16. . . . frequently block feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholism, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list making or gambling.

17. . . . often have caseloads rather than friendships.

18. . . . often have little sense of emotional boundaries and feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing, or isolation.

Original Source Unknown

[MajestyJo]

Found this interesting. I qualify.

http://www.way2hope.org/codependency...definition.htm




Lived my life through others for too many years. The attitude of, if you are happy, I am happy, was to be no more.

[MajestyJo]

Symptoms of Codependency:

Inability to know what "normal" is.

Difficulty in following a project through.

Difficulty having fun.

Judging self, others without mercy.

Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!)

Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.

Belief that others cause or are responsible for the
codependent's emotions.

(Codependents often use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was made to feel like____")

Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)

Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively.

Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having compromised sense of self.

Feelings of being different.

Confusion and sense of inadequacy.

Being either super responsible or super irresponsible. (Or alternating between these.)

Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices.

Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.

Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.

Fear of anger or bottling anger up till it explodes.

Hypersensitivity to criticism.

Being addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.)

Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.

Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears.

Confusion between love and pity.

Tendency to look for "victims" to help.

Rigidity and need to control.

Lies, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

Are you codependent?

Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More developed this check list:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?

Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?

Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?

Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?

Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?

Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?

http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/symptoms.htm

[MajestyJo]

Found on Circle for Recovery - original source unknown:

Co-dependency victimizes self by sacrifices to others.

As it is basically a self worthiness issue, so it also began when first criticized as a child.

The child learned that it was not 'good' enough to be loved per se and identified love/non-love with approval/disapproval.

Approval/disapproval is conditional love, where we suffer from the conditions.

Seeking always love 'outside self' from approval of others, victimizes self and causes us sacrifice.

Self-Love arises from within self-Acceptance

Sacrifice denies self worth and aspects of self now secretly judged, are denied love.

Sacrifice could be said to be an addiction.

Self acceptance to achieve a sense of worthiness, is the healing and why the 12 steps can be applied.

The various ways to achieve self acceptance grants back to self, the power we give away playing victim.

Greatest power is granted in the higher Power, potentially equal in all.