From the Internet

[MajestyJo]

THE OLD PHONE ON THE WALL. HELLO


When I was a young boy, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood.... I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.


My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.

I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.
"Information, please" I said into the
mouthpiece just above my head.


A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

"Information."


"I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough
now that I had an audience.

"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.

"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.


"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.

"No,"
I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."
"Can you open the icebox?" she asked.

I said I could.


"Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice..


After that, I called "Information Please" for everything.. I asked her for
help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math.


She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called,


Information Please," and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, " Wayne , always remember that there are other worlds to sing in."


Somehow I felt better.


Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please."


"Information," said in the now familiar voice. "How do I spell fix?"
I asked.


All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest . When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston . I missed my friend very much.
"Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and I
somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me..


Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.



A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle . I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please."



Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.


"Information."


I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying,
"Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"


There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now."


I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any
idea how much you meant to me during that time?"



I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant to me.


I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."


I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.


"Please do", she said. "Just ask for Sally."

Three months later I was back in Seattle . A different voice answered,

"Information."
I asked for Sally.

"Are you a friend?" she said.


"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.


"I'm sorry to have to tell you this,"She said. "Sally had been working part time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago."


Before I could hang up, she said, "
Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne ?" "

Yes." I answered.


"Well, Sally left a message for you.
She wrote it down in case you called.
Let me read it to you.."


The note said,
"Tell him there are other worlds to sing in.
He'll know what I mean."

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.



Never underestimate the impression you may make on others..

Whose life have you touched today?

Why not pass this on? I just did....

Lifting you on eagle's wings.
May you find the joy and peace you long for.


Life is a journey... NOT a guided tour.


I loved this story and just had to pass it on.

[MajestyJo]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

One more . . .

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh !!

[MajestyJo]

Walkin In A Doggie Wonderland"



Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's
mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland."

[MajestyJo]

I think Santa Claus is a woman

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.




Warning!!!! Warning!!!

Santa's visit has been cancelled this year!!!

Christmas has been cancelled and it is all your fault!
because you told Santa you had been good this year!

And he died laughing!!

Thanks ALOT!

[MajestyJo]

I COULD HAVE GONE ALL YEAR WITHOUT BEING REMINDED OF THESE QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!

Now I'll be bugged for days!!!

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take
him for a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up,
examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always
manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE.........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Received with thanks from my friend Rhrawnie.

"Knowledge is not always having the answer but knowing where to find it"

[MajestyJo]

Thoughts for the Day

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. (I love this one!)




I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.



You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.



I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'



I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.



I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers.



Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!



I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.



Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life, Because Life is a journey to be savored.



Gentle Thoughts for Today -

1. Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then poop on your car.

2. A penny saved is a government oversight.

3. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

4. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

5. He who hesitates is probably right.

6. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

7. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

8. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

9. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

10. Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

11. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

12. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

13. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

14. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.



Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . . AMEN

Received with thanks from my friend Daryl

[MajestyJo]

[MajestyJo]

Received from my friend Carey in Texas.

http://web.archive.org/web/200703140...lidays/egg.swf

[MajestyJo]

First Morning in Sweden after Changing from Driving on the left to Driving on the Right, 1967

[MajestyJo]

This will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.


* I did it without thinking about it and yep...my foot changed direction.

I tried again and concentrated and beat it...my foot didn't change direction. But, I tried it again..thought I was thinking about it and my foot and I struggled for Alpha. The foot won. GRIN

Note from my friend who forwarded this to me.

My foot changed just thinking about six!!

[MajestyJo]

Why Guys Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

Guys Can't Win? Here's Why
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

[MajestyJo]

Devereaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Landry. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Betty Lou.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Devereaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Devereaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Betty Lou staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Devereaux said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Betty Lou said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all the band aids stuck to the hall mirror.

Hope this isn't a rerun, haven't post here for a while.

[MajestyJo]

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will
look silly when he is aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"

"Well.....you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret......

You know, woman to woman."

LOL thanks Bubba!

[MajestyJo]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

"He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue" the rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."