Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2018

[bluidkiti]

January 1

Quote of the Week

“But by the grace of God, there go I.”

In early sobriety, I sometimes had trouble identifying with other people’s alcoholism, and often wondered whether I belonged. After all, I had never been to prison for manslaughter while driving drunk. I never robbed a liquor store in a blackout, or woke up in a different state – or country – not know how I had gotten there. There were countless other things that had never happened to me either. As I discussed this with my sponsor, he said I hadn’t experienced these things – yet.

As I started working the Steps and writing inventories, I began to see what he meant. First of all, I actually had crashed a car while drunk, and I had been arrested for it when I was seventeen. Thankfully, I hit an empty parked car, and no one in my vehicle was injured. Other inventories revealed plenty of times I blacked out and came to in strange circumstances. As I looked deeper, I identified more with the stories I heard, and I felt the gravity of the word “yet.”
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Today, I know my stories could have ended very differently if I had continued drinking, and any of the outcomes I heard others share could easily have been my fate as well. Moreover, I also know that any of these terrifying endings could be in my future as well – they are only one drink away. Today, when I see or hear these stories, I say a quiet prayer of gratitude, for I know that “but by the grace of God, there go I…”

[bluidkiti]

January 8

Quote of the Week

“Faith is spelled a-c-t-i-o-n..”

I did a lot of thinking when I was drinking. I’d think about how bad my life was and how things weren’t going to get any better. As I kept drinking, I thought about all the things I could do, and after a few more drinks, I thought about how good I’d feel if I did them. After a while, I stopped thinking, couldn’t remember where I was, and I entered oblivion. Finally, I had some peace from thinking – until I came too. Then it all started again.

When I got sober, I started wearing my sponsor out with all the things I was thinking. They say early recovery is a roller coaster ride – first up with new found hope and possibility, then down with regret and remorse. I took anyone who would listen to me along on the ride. After a while, my sponsor directed me into the Big Book, and showed me there was a chapter called, “Into Action,” not “Into Thinking.”

What I discovered about my thinking was that the majority of it was based on fear. My sponsor showed me that the way out of fear was through faith in a Higher Power, and the way to cultivate that was by taking action. “Fake it until you make it,” I heard over and over again. “Do the things you would do if you had faith, and suddenly you will find that you do,” was another. So I got into action, and my life changed. Even today, I remember to feel the fear, but to take the action anyway.

And every time I do, things get better, opportunities open up, and my Higher Power shows me the way.

[bluidkiti]

January 15

Quote of the Week

“We’re responsible for the effort, not the outcome.”

When I got sober, I didn’t know how I was ever going to fix everything in my life. All the relationships I had ruined, all the bridges to jobs and opportunities I had burned, there didn’t seem anyway I could control and manipulate everything back into place. How was I going to get all the people I had stolen from to forgive me? How was I going to get healthy after all the abuse I’d inflicted on myself? How was I going to get my family to trust me again? I didn’t think I could pull it off.

Luckily, my sponsor assured me that I didn’t have to. In fact, he told me I could never be responsible for other people’s attitudes and reactions to me. That wasn’t my job. Instead, he told me my job was to stay sober, clean house, and take the next indicated action. In doing my Ninth Step, he told me I was responsible for admitting my faults, and making sincere amends. Whether or not someone forgave me wasn’t up to me. I was responsible for the effort, not the outcome.
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Learning to let go of outcomes wasn’t easy for me. After a lifetime of trying to arrange life – including your reactions and opinions – to suit myself, simply taking the right actions and leaving the results up to God seemed impossible. But the miracle is that every time I follow God’s will and not my own, wondrous and unexpected outcomes flow into my and other people’s lives. Plus, now that I know I’m not responsible for all the outcomes in the world, I’m free to live a life that can be happy, joyous, and even free.

[bluidkiti]

January 22

Quote of the Week

“God bless you – God change me.”

I was at a speaker meeting one night where the speaker began his share this way: “If I say something tonight that you don’t agree with, or that angers you, then say a prayer for me. God knows I could use the blessing, and you could probably use the practice.” Well that got everyone’s attention! I fumed in my seat for a while and could barely hear what he was sharing. After the meeting, I grabbed a bite to eat with my sponsor and we talked about it.

As I dumped my anger and indignation onto my sponsor between my French fries dipped in ranch dressing, he listened quietly and nodded his head. When I started repeating myself for the third time, he held up his hand to stop me. “I see what he said in a very different way,” he began. “While it may have sounded disrespectful, what he was saying is the fundamental truth – everyone has a different opinion, and if you don’t agree with them, it’s your problem, and not theirs. In other words it’s up to you to change or adapt.”

I’ve often thought of that night, and that share, and it has taken me years to appreciate the deep wisdom in it. What I’ve found is that people are indeed very different; all our perspectives are uniquely ours, forged by heritages, families, and environments we can barely fathom. If I want to get along with people, then it is up to me to accept them for their differences. If I have a problem with that, then it’s probably best for me to say a prayer. It’s up to me at that point to ask God to change me so I can be okay with who they are – and who I am as well.

[bluidkiti]

January 29

Quote of the Week

“I can’t turn back the clock, but I can wind it up again.”

One of the fears I had when I got sober was that I had ruined large parts of my life, and that the damage I had done was permanent. I spent many nights wishing I could go back in time and make different, better decisions. As I went over and over these things, I was overcome with shame, and remorse, and resentment. At times, I felt like my life was over, and that things wouldn’t turn out okay for me.

In working the Steps, I began to come to terms with the things I did, and I discovered the causes and conditions for why I did them. As I took the focus off others, and even off the past, I concentrated on making things right in the present. I built a relationship with my Higher Power, I cleaned house and made amends, and soon I found that I had built an archway through which I could once again connect with my fellows.
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The gift of the program for me came when I realized that I was given a second chance and a new life. I felt the joy they talk about in the program when I found that while I couldn’t change the past, I could create a new future. One day at a time, I took the right actions, and each time I did my life changed, I became a new man, and soon I found I was living in the sunlight of the spirit. Each day, I know the clock of my life has been wound up again, and today I have the freedom to make it the way I truly want it to be.

[bluidkiti]

February 5

Quote of the Week

“Serenity is paying attention to what I’m doing right now."

I have a mind that races ahead of where I am, plans outcomes, anticipates obstacles, and prepares for the worst. It’s a busy mind. If it’s not in the future, then its reviewing the past coming up with woulda’s, shoulda’s, coulda’s. Drinking offered a respite from this obsessiveness, and for a few hours I was thoroughly grounded in what was happening in the present. But then my bottom forced me to get sober, and my mind was off to the races again.

My restless mind wouldn’t let me alone during early sobriety. I woke up in fear, worried most of the day, and at night I’d lie awake imagining dark futures fueled by what if’s. Thank for my sponsor and the fellowship. They had many suggestions, like when they told me to keep the Big Book at my bedside because reading a few pages would definitely put me to sleep. It worked! They also taught me about being of service, about prayer, and about building my spiritual toolkit. That all worked – when I worked it.

Many years have passed, and while I’m recovered from the obsession to drink, my mind still likes to get into the future and look for danger. This is the path to insanity for me. Thankfully, I’m much better at reigning it back in and focusing it on what I’m doing, what I have, and how fortunate I am right now. I have more than I need to be happy, joyous, and free. And most of all, I have a God of my own understanding, and I have serenity in the here and now.

How’s that for the future I used to worry about?

[bluidkiti]

February 12

Quote of the Week

“CALM = Care About Life’s Moments.”

They say that one of the gifts of recovery is the sense of peace and calm that you get. I have heard it described as feeling comfortable in your own skin. That concept was totally foreign to me before I got sober; in fact, I felt the opposite way. My solution was a drink, and for brief moments I could relax and feel okay with myself. But by the end of my drinking, I was uncomfortable both drunk or sober, and that’s when I knew I had hit bottom.

I remember being amazed by how happy and easy going everyone seemed in meetings. They could look me in the eye, smile, and offer me their phone numbers. They didn’t seem driven by the anxiety that was my constant companion, and I soon wanted what they had. I could have that, my sponsor assured me, if I was willing to do the things they did. And that meant working the Twelve Steps and developing a relationship with a Power greater than myself. I was willing.

It took years for me to work though the layers of my old self, but today I have the feelings of serenity and peace. I even like and respect myself today. I once read a quote by Pascal that said, “All man’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone.” I am so very grateful to not feel that restless and discontent any longer. Today, I know calm and am able to take in and appreciate life’s moments. The gifts of sobriety go far beyond just not drinking.

And these gifts are available to anyone who is willing to give the program a try.

[bluidkiti]

February 19

Quote of the Week

“It’s not going to get easier, but it’s going to get better."

When I got sober, I thought my life would get easier. I mean, I wasn’t drinking to black out any longer, and now that I was sober everyone would be happy for me. I even thought I deserved some kind of an award. I was sure my money troubles would disappear, my health would get better, and all the people I hurt would forgive me and life would get back to normal. None of that happened right away.

In early sobriety, the only thing that changed was that I wasn’t getting loaded any longer. I still had all the problems as before, but in addition I was now also racked with feelings: feelings of remorse, resentment, fear, anger, etc. And as I struggled to work the Steps, things actually got worse as I lost job after job, found I was unfit for most relationships, and was in constant fear. I didn’t think recovery was for me.

I told my sponsor that if this was what sobriety was like, I’d rather start drinking again. He told me this was what getting sober was like, but it wasn’t what being sober was like. He said if this was how I was always going to feel all the time, then none of us would have remained in recovery. Each year, my life did get better and better. Even though it wasn’t easy in the beginning, I found that overall, I had found the easier, softer way.

Today, I can’t imagine not being sober and living in recovery.

[bluidkiti]

February 26

Quote of the Week

“If you want to be secure, you have to give up the need to be secure."

I have spent so much of my life stressing and worrying about being secure. I’ve never felt like I’ve had enough money – or will have enough. In relationships, my insecurity has ruined many promising starts. I’ve laid awake at night worrying about my health wondering the “what if’s?”. It’s no wonder why I drank so much; it was one of the few ways to quiet my mind.

When drinking stopped working for me, I entered recovery. At first, I thought I’d get immediate relief from my worry, but with alcohol gone, I just grew more insecure. I overwhelmed my sponsor with all my “what if’s?”, and he always asked the same thing, “Are you alright right now?” “Yes, but…” I’d begin. “Right now, God has led you into recovery and has taken care of everything for you, right?” I admitted that was true. “Then let Go and let Him take care of you,” you suggested.

I never thought it could be that easy, and I still tend to forget it. Today, while I still may not have all the money I want, I have all I need – and then some. I have love, health, hope, and long term recovery. As soon as I gave up the need to be secure, I realized I already was secure. Today, I realize that my wants are what keep me from appreciating my haves.

And today, I have all the security I need.

[bluidkiti]

March 5

Quote of the Week

“God, grant me the serenity to accept my own rate of recovery."

When I got into the program at 36 years old, I looked around at all the 20 year olds – and younger – and got depressed. I felt like such a loser to have wasted so much time. It didn’t help that I was also unemployable, had no direction, and essentially didn’t even know who I was. Years of drinking had robbed me of the growth and progress I saw others making. When I started counting days of sobriety, I felt like I was in kindergarten again.

None of this was good for my fragile ego. It didn’t take long for the resentment and anger I felt to be turned inward, and soon the person I hated most was me. I constantly judged how I felt and how much progress I was making, and whether or not someone with the same amount of time was doing better. Unable to accept my own rate of recovery, my sponsor reminded me that I was exactly where I should be. This was hard to accept, especially when I didn’t like where I was most of the time.

As the years have passed and I have stayed sober, I realize how much I learned through my journey in recovery. I’ve learned to accept that I got sober when it was right for me, and that the bottom I hit was necessary for me to do the work ahead. As I look back on things, I’m glad I didn’t get that job or that girl I thought I needed. Instead, my recovery took the route it needed to for me to become who I am today. Even now, when I get anxious or impatient, I remember that I’m still exactly where I should be.

And when I accept that, I am granted serenity.

[bluidkiti]

March 12

Quote of the Week

“If drink solved problems, I would have solved a lot of problems."

I seriously used to think that drinking helped me manage my problems and my life better. When I got too stressed to think straight, a drink or two would immediately relax me and enable me to think differently. In my creative life, I always wrote or drew much better after few drinks. And after a few more drinks, I sometimes had epiphanies that I was sure could change the world. Unfortunately, when I sobered up my problems were still there, plus some additional ones caused by my drinking.

When my sponsor told me I wasn’t going to drink alcohol any more – not even beer! – I was shocked. But how was I going to make it through all my problems and stress, I wondered? And what about all those deep creative insights? As we talked through things, he helped me see that those “creative moments” I had while loaded – those that I wrote down at least – made almost no sense when I sobered up. Also, after inventories centered around my drinking, it was clear alcohol didn’t solve any of my problems.

It took many years of journaling, many years of meetings and Step work, but today I know that I am much more creative and disciplined now that I’m not drinking. Today, I don’t just think of things, I do them. I’ve also found that I handle my problems and stress so much better with a clear head and a Higher Power in my life. Plus, I create a lot less mayhem! Sobriety has given me the life that alcohol promised but never delivered.

And that’s why I begin each day with gratitude.

[bluidkiti]

March 19

Quote of the Week

“Putting down the drink was the easy part. Change is the hard part."

I used to say that stopping drinking was easy – I did it hundreds of times. After a particularly bad drunk, I would wake up with that sick hangover and demoralizing memories of what I had done. Then and there I swore off alcohol. Sometimes I lasted a week or longer, but ultimately I would end up with a drink in my hand. Stopping drinking was easy; staying stopped? Well…

When I got sober in the rooms, I told my sponsor that I already knew how to not drink, what I didn’t know was how to live without always wanting to. He told me the key was changing who I was inside, so that the new man I became didn’t want a drink any longer. Why don’t I just change my eye color, I thought; how in the world am I going to accomplish that? He said we would do it one day at a time through working the Twelve Steps of recovery.

I must admit I was skeptical, scared, resentful, and a thousand other emotions, but each day I took his suggestions and worked the Steps. I couldn’t see the progress I was making sometimes, but slowly I did begin to change. I remember being at a restaurant watching other people enjoy cocktails, and I found that for the first time I didn’t want one. The obsession to drink had been lifted! Now that was a miracle. Many more followed, and over time many more things changed in me.

Today, I am the new man my sponsor told me about, and I like who I’ve become.

[bluidkiti]

March 26

Quote of the Week

“What’s the most loving thing I can do for myself today?"

My drinking career was filled with a series of self-destructive situations, actions, and events. When I was drinking, I didn’t like myself very much, and I didn’t care what happened or how much trouble I got into. Part of me even felt like I deserved bad things. Because I didn’t care about myself, I also didn’t care much what happened to you either. As my life caved in on itself, and my demoralization was complete, I hit my final bottom.

In the sober light of day, I began my Step work and explored my drinking years through the use of inventories. I uncovered some dark resentments, discovered the character defects that I used to deal with them, and eventually found a way to discard the old self that had been driven by the disease of alcoholism. The most painful part of that whole process was how much self-hatred I had for myself. Ultimately, what I learned is that the core characteristic of this disease is unrelenting self-loathing, and an unbelievable obsession for self-destruction.

The power of the Twelve Steps is that they have released me from this prison of hatred. By working through the layers of the disease – the shame, the complete incomprehensiveness of my feelings and actions – I finally arrived at the truth of who I really am – a child of a loving God. In my core, I am not the dark illusion of the disease, I am, instead, a beacon of God’s light. Today, I ask what the most loving thing I can do for myself is. Just the fact that I can ask that question evidences the profound change the program has made in my life.

[bluidkiti]

April 2

Quote of the Week

“Instead of telling God how big your fears are, start telling your fears how big your God is."

Before recovery, we were driven by a hundred forms of self-centered fear. During steps 6 and 7, we began to release some of these character defects, but some habits are hard to break. Like feeding into our fears.

But when we can pause and work our program of recovery, we remember that we are not alone. In fact, our greatest asset in our new life is our connection with and relationship to our Higher Power. We know from repeated experience that God has, can and continues to work miracles in our lives and in the lives of those we meet in the rooms.

Rather than giving power to my fears today, I now give my fears to God. My solution is that when I'm telling my fears how big my God is, I’m thinking about God -- not my fears.

And that is when the miracle takes place.

[bluidkiti]

April 9

"If God is your co-pilot, change seats."

Before the program, I wouldn't even let God on the plane. I was the pilot and co-pilot of my life and, fueled by self-will and self seeking, I took off and flew through the lives of others like a tornado. My thoughts were all about what I could get, take, or how I could control you to get what I wanted. What seemed strange to me at the time was the harder I tried, the less I got what I needed or wanted.

When I started working my program, the idea of putting God in charge of my life seemed downright irresponsible. Fueled by a hundred forms of self-centered fear, I couldn't fathom giving up control of my life. I was still under the delusion that I controlled not only my thoughts and actions, but the results as well. For me, faith was slow in coming. The key was willingness, and the more I turned over, the better my life got.

Today, one of the biggest gifts I have been given is a life of true freedom as the result of turning my will and life over to the care of my Higher Power. Through proven experience, time and time again, my life and the lives of those around me always flow more smoothly and turn out better when God is the pilot. Plus, it's easier being the co-pilot, I'll tell you. My job now is just to suit up and show up and let God take care of the rest. And He always does.

These days, when my life is getting a little turbulent, I look to see if God is my co-pilot, and if he is, I change seats!