April 17

Quote of the Week

"My brain is like a photographer’s dark room; the only thing it develops is negative."

Toward the end of my drinking, I was as much addicted to negative thinking as I was drugs and alcohol. Alcoholism robbed me of hope and took away possibilities of happiness, and the only snapshots of the future I could see were dark and blurry. As I descended further into the abyss, I was convinced that things weren’t ever going to get better, and somewhere deep inside I had given up. When I finally got some help, my sponsor told me I had reached my bottom.

As I began to recover by working the Steps, I learned that alcoholism is a disease. At first I didn’t believe that; instead I thought I was just weak-willed. But after listening to hundreds of other alcoholics share my same dark fears and feelings, I realized the common characteristics of alcoholism: self-loathing, negative thinking, and utter defeat. To recover from this seemingly hopeless state of mind, my sponsor told me I needed to work the program and experience the spiritual transformation that God makes possible.

While I didn’t believe that would happen for me, I am grateful to report that it did. Today, I have a different, more positive voice inside that comes from my true self, from the child of God who I truly am. Recovery has returned the hope and happiness that I believe God wants for me, and now I experience those feelings by doing what God wants me to do: help other alcoholics recover and discover His light. Today, in the darkroom of my mind, I develop some beautiful images and pictures of a life that is happy, joyous, and free.

April 24

Quote of the Week

"If the grass is greener on the other side, it’s because they are putting fertilizer on it!"

I’ve spent a lot of my life envying what other people had, resenting that I didn’t have it too, and feeling I deserved it. I’ve always felt smarter, more talented, better looking, and more suited for the success I’ve seen others enjoying. I never understood why others seemed to have all the breaks until I entered recovery, and then I got a harsh lesson. . . .

As I started sharing my feelings of entitlement with my sponsor, he asked me some difficult (for me!) questions. “Why didn’t you stay in college?” he asked. “Money is in sales, not college,” I answered. “If you think you’d be such a great actor, why haven’t you taken acting classes?” “Ah, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know,” I scoffed. After a while, he pointed out that I had all the answers except the one that mattered.

It took me a long time before I could admit that perhaps the reason I wasn’t successful was that I wasn’t doing the things that successful people do. As childish as it may sound, I learned that the world wasn’t waiting to give me things just because of who I thought I was. It took awhile, but now I get it: If the grass is greener on the other side, it’s because they are putting fertilizer on it!

May 1

Quote of the Week

"Don’t take a drink and go to meetings."

When I was new, I was still in a fog. Most of my life was just as it had been: I still had a ton of problems, there was wreckage everywhere I turned, and the impending doom I felt only grew and grew. I needed solutions, and I needed them fast. I began attending meetings daily, and at the end I’d always be given the same message: Don’t take a drink and keep going to meetings. That’s fine, I’d think, but where are the solutions I so desperately need?

As I got thirty days sober, and then sixty, and even ninety days, the fog began to clear, but my life didn’t get much better. In fact, as I approached my Fourth Step inventory, I thought I would get lost in the wreckage and never survive. When I pleaded with my sponsor for help, he told me the same old thing: Don’t take a drink and keep going to meetings. He assured me that if I kept doing that and kept working the Steps, I would be okay.

Fast-forward a few years, and even though I highly doubted it, his advice worked. What had seemed like too simple of a solution for my complex life and problems turned out to be the exact solution I needed. All the problems I had were resolved, and all the promises came true for me. While my life isn’t perfect today—no one’s is—and while problems and challenges still come up, what hasn’t changed is the solution: Don’t take a drink and go to meetings.

May 8

Quote of the Week

"There are only two times when you should go to a meeting: when you feel like going, and when you don’t feel like going."

It is hard living with a disease that tells me I don’t have it. When I’m in between meetings and life is busy, it’s easy for me to think of going to a meeting as an imposition. I’m fine. I don’t want to drink, haven’t in years, and I’m too busy for a meeting! That kind of thinking can get me into big trouble, and if I listen to it, I can grow irritable, restless, and discontented. And that can put me in real danger.

One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned in the program is to take contrary action to what my head is telling me. In fact, I’ve learned that when my head is telling me I don’t need a meeting, it actually means that I really need one. Thankfully, I learned in early recovery to take that contrary action, and when I follow it and go to a meeting, without exception, I always feel better.

I’ve heard that the only thing an alcoholic does in moderation is work the Steps. Because this disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful, and constantly tells me not to do something that will make me feel better, I have to remain vigilant and ready. This is why I just take the right actions regardless of what my head is saying. So, for me, there are two times when I should go to a meeting: when I feel like it and when I don’t.

May 15

Quote of the Week

"Just another Bozo on the bus."

All my life I’ve been taught to do whatever I could to be the best. In school my parents drove me to work harder than everyone else so that I could get As and stand out. In athletics my coaches drilled us to practice harder and then pushed us to give it all we had to win. When I began working professionally, it was very clear that average performance would get you fired, and that if you wanted to excel and move up, you had to work harder and be better than everyone around you. Even when I partied, I prided myself on being able to out-drink and out-use others as well.

Because of this approach to life, when I entered the program, my ego was accustomed to comparing and to finding ways of proving I was better than you. When I heard some people’s stories, I immediately felt better than them because I had never done that. And when it was suggested that I clean the coffee mugs after a meeting, I thought that was beneath me: I mean, don’t you know who I am? All these feelings of entitlement and imagined privilege nearly sabotaged my recovery, but luckily I heard today’s quote and was able to humble myself long enough to truly understand it.

My sponsor explained to me that if I wanted to get and stay sober, then I had to deflate my ego and learn to become “right-sized.” He told me that I wasn’t any worse or any better than anybody else; I was simply a child of God. He suggested that I would get along with people better and live more comfortably in my own skin if I could strive to become “average.” It took a lot of years for me to see the wisdom in this kind of thinking and living, but now I’m truly happier being just another Bozo on the bus.

May 22

Quote of the Week

"A snail can climb Mount Fuji."

I used to get so overwhelmed by my life. I wanted to make so many changes, but where to begin? I didn’t want to be in sales any longer, and instead I always wanted to get a graduate degree so that I had more options. But the thought of even applying for college, getting the financial aid, and then spending years in school was overwhelming. Even getting healthy seemed out of reach. I’d have to join a gym—and then even go regularly! —completely change my diet, and probably have to greatly reduce my drinking. Impossible. Every change seemed monumental, so I just stayed drunk.

“One day at a time,” “First things first”—these were new concepts to me, and they saved my life. That’s because I applied them to the most important change of all—getting sober. While the thought of remaining sober for a whole month, and then a whole year, was unthinkable at first, I could manage the thought of staying sober that day. And, one day at a time, as I put first things first, like praying in the morning to God to keep me sober, I began accumulating first weeks, and then months of continuous sobriety. It worked, when I worked it.

After years of recovery, I’ve been able to apply these lessons to other changes in my life. I did go back to college and earned my graduate degree. I did it one day at a time, starting by first downloading the college admission forms. I’ve also learned to “take the next indicated action” when I become overwhelmed or afraid. It always keeps me moving in the right direction. Today, no goal or life change seems impossible as long as I remember how even a snail can climb Mount Fuji—one step at a time.

May 29

Quote of the Week

"All that pain has value."

When I came into the rooms, I was buried in shame. Without alcohol to escape into, I was overwhelmed with remorse over many of my actions. As I moved toward working the Fourth Step, I was desperately afraid of what I would find in the abyss of self. I was sure that once I uncovered how bad I really was, no one—including myself—would accept me. I was definitely at a jumping-off place.

As I began putting my inventories together, I discovered something else, though. Yes, I had acted poorly and had made many selfish decisions, but I learned that much of my behavior had been driven by the disease of alcoholism. What I found was that my actions weren’t necessarily who I was; they were just my actions. And if I was willing to own those actions, make amends, and stay sober, then I could recover through working the Twelve Steps.

As I continued to uncover, discover, and discard my character defects, I found something even more important. I learned that all my experiences, especially the “bad” ones I felt shame over, would turn out to be the most useful in reaching out to and helping others. I learned that my pain was often the key that allowed others to come to terms with and overcome their own pain. All the experiences I had tried to run from had value, and in God’s hands they uniquely qualified me to be of service to His other children. Today, I no longer wish to shut the door on my past, nor on my pain.

June 5

Quote of the Week

"The worst vice is advice."

Everybody has an opinion. And before recovery, I would readily give you mine. It didn’t matter if you asked for it or not; it didn’t matter whether I had ever taken the advice myself to see if it worked; and it didn’t matter if it made you feel better or worse—I was addicted to giving advice, and if you were nearby, you’d get it. As you can imagine, I was obnoxious to be around, and all my advice didn’t seem to help anybody. In fact, most people grew to resent me, and as fewer people called, my circle of friends grew smaller and smaller.

When I entered the program, I still had a lot of advice to give, but my sponsor suggested I listen for a while to what others had to say. When I kept trying to tell him my good ideas, he pointed out that my best thinking got me a seat in a recovery meeting. When I persisted and tried to tell him about relationships, career choices, and investing, he told me people might not be interested given that I was single, unemployed, and broke. That kind of put me in my place.

What I learned by listening to others share is that they didn’t have advice. Instead, they offered their experience, strength, and hope. Someone who didn’t have direct experience to share would encourage me to find someone who did. Over time, I learned that advice is worthless without compassion, understanding, and experience that comes from a shared point of view. Today, I don’t offer advice on things I don’t have experience with, and I don’t give it unless I’m asked for it.

June 12

Quote of the Week

"Problems are solutions in training."

This was definitely not the way I used to look at problems before recovery. My problems used to overwhelm me; they had no solutions, and there was a long list of them. I would bounce from one to the other, and as I tried to solve them, I just seemed to create more and more. I once heard that the only thing worse than my problems were my solutions to them!

When I entered the program, I surrendered both my problems and my solutions. My sponsor kept pounding into my head that my best thinking had gotten me here, and with his help, I turned my attention to working the first Three Steps. And once I was able to turn my will and my life over to a Power greater than myself, the real solutions started to appear.

As I stayed sober and worked the other Steps, my problems began to solve themselves. As I became more experienced in turning them over, applying the Steps on them, and using more of the tools in my spiritual tool kit, I found that my problems were actually opportunities for me to grow and change. Today, my problems have become my teachers, leading me to spiritual solutions as long as I remain open and willing to learn from them.

June 19

Quote of the Week

"The two things an alcoholic can’t deal with are adversity or prosperity."

I used to think the reason I drank so much was because my life was so hard. There was a time when I barely made enough to pay my bills, my credit cards were maxed out, and I lived in a tiny rental. I had let myself go physically and had no satisfying relationships. Each morning I woke up and thought, Oh, God, another day! I lived to drink as this was the only time I felt better, and I thought that if only my life got better, then I wouldn’t have to drink so much.

A couple of years later, my life did turn around. I got a really good sales job and started making more money than I could count. I bought a house and got a hip girlfriend. As I got more successful, however, I just drank more. Suddenly I was buying expensive champagne and wine, and I moved on to designer vodka as well. As my drinking swirled out of control, I soon lost most of the things I had, and all I had left was my alcoholism.

One thing I have learned in recovery is that the extremes of adversity or prosperity are dangerous things for a self-aggrandizing alcoholic. When things aren’t going my way, I become resentful and demand the things I feel I deserve. When things are going well, I demand even more. The restlessness and discontent I feel as an alcoholic simply can’t be sated by money, property, or prestige. Instead, serenity and contentment come from the inside by working a spiritual program and developing a relationship with a Higher Power. Today, I am grateful for what I do have, and when I wake up, I now thank God for another day.

June 26

Quote of the Week

"My definition of balance is being able to obsess equally in all areas of my life!"

As an alcoholic, I completely understand all-or-nothing thinking. When I was in my disease, I used to obsessively plan out my drinking and using, always making sure I had the right amount available to me, and I would even drink before meeting friends at the bar so that I could pretend to drink like them. In the end, my obsession consumed me and drove me into the rooms.

Once I started working the Steps, I began obsessing on other things. For a while I was consumed with dying, sure I had done irreparable damage to myself during my years of abuse. Next I became obsessed with the fear of financial insecurity, this time convinced I had ruined my professional future. And then I got into a relationship, and that obsession nearly drove me to drink. During my Sixth Step, I realized that I had to surrender my obsessive thinking if I wanted to stay sober.

For me, turning over my obsessive thinking and other character defects came down to a question of faith: Did I or didn’t I trust that my Higher Power would take care of me? As I began to obsess on that, my sponsor told me that faith wasn’t a thought but rather an action. He suggested I begin letting go and letting God, and each time I did, my life got a little better. Today, I know that obsessing isn’t the answer. Turning it over is.

July 3

Quote of the Week

"Seven days without God makes one weak."

I don’t know how or why God seems to disappear from my life, but He does. Monday morning I’ll be running late and not have time to pray, and the next thing I know it’s Wednesday. I’ll go to my meeting that night, but Thursday and Friday rush by, and before I can catch my breath, suddenly it’s Sunday afternoon. By then I find myself alone and not feeling very well, and that’s when I make the connection.

Early on in recovery, I was taught that the first Three Steps could be summarized as, “I can’t, He can, Let Him.” The problem is that I quickly forget the “I can’t” part. Once I’m under the illusion that I’m in charge, I’m off trying to control life to get everything I think I need. The only good news is that it takes less time these days for me to feel the effects of this self-will run riot.

Happily, it’s easy for me to get reconnected to my Higher Power, and the positive effects I feel are immediate. Once I practice the “He can” and the “Let Him” part, I’m restored to sanity and to my proper role in life. My job isn’t to rush around like a crazy person trying to accomplish and control everything; rather, my role is to seek God’s will and to be of service. And when I stay connected to the Steps and to God, I’m as strong as can be.

July 10

Quote of the Week

"It’s not old behavior if I’m still doing it."

I often don’t let go of things until they are causing more pain than pleasure. When my drinking was killing me, I stopped, and even though it was really hard at first, I found that being sober was actually the easier, softer way. But I had a lot of old ideas and behaviors that still worked for me sometimes. Letting go of these was not so easy.

As I sat in meeting after meeting, I heard that “The result was nil until we let go absolutely,” but I never really understood the full impact of this statement. I mean, I was still getting results—I was clean and sober, I got my job back, and I began repairing broken relationships. But there were also times when I was intensely unhappy and irritable, and I needed and wanted a drink. It took a long while for me to see that these feelings almost always followed old ways of thinking and behaving.

The longer I’m in recovery, the more I understand the value of Steps Six and Seven. My old behaviors will continue just as long as I remain unwilling to give up the character defects that cause them. But when I do become willing, something wonderful happens: my Higher Power does for me what I can’t do for myself. He relieves me of my old ways of thinking and acting, which allows more joy and freedom to flow into my life. Today, I continue to pray for my old behavior to be removed, even if I’m still doing it.

July 17

Quote of the Week

"If I just had more, better, different, I’d be okay."

Before I had a program, I was always searching for something outside of myself to make me feel okay. I was sure that if I could only get more money, a better job, or a different relationship, or if I lived in a different house in a different neighborhood, then I would finally feel better about myself. When none of these things worked, I concentrated on drinking more, getting better quality wines, or trying different types of premium alcohol. In the end, this didn’t work either.

When I entered the rooms of recovery in Hollywood, California, I suddenly saw a group of people who seemed to have more, better, and different things from me. As I watched famous actors, successful business people, and movers and shakers mingle in seemingly exclusive groups and then drive away in their Mercedes and BMWs, I felt distinctly less than. When I told my sponsor this, he told me I would never be happy as long as I compared my insides with someone else’s outsides.

What I have learned over the years is that sobriety, serenity, and recovery are truly an inside job. Only by working the Steps will I find the true peace and contentment I’ve always searched for in outside things. I now know that believing more or better or different will make me feel okay is a lie that my alcoholism still tells me. It is a lie that will always lead me to a drink. Today, I know that the path to feeling comfortable in my own skin starts with being grateful for what I have and with trying to give away what I have found. When I remember that, I realize I’m more than just okay; I’m blessed.

July 24

Quote of the Week

"Anything an alcoholic lets go of has claw marks all over it."

In the past, I tried to control everything. I would lie in bed at night planning my days and weeks, and I would make endless lists of activities I could follow that would lead to specific results. I played and replayed conversations that were sure to take place to make sure they came out the way I wanted them to. When the last thing I tried to control—my alcohol use—spun out of control, I finally surrendered.

When I got sober, I had to let go of all my plans and schemes for controlling my drinking and drug use. Because I was at a bottom, it was easy for me to abandon my old ideas and to ask God to restore me to sanity. Just because this worked for my alcoholism, though, didn’t mean I was willing to turn the rest of my life over. “God, you can have my drinking, but I’ll handle the rest,” was my attitude. You can imagine how that went.

What I’ve learned over the years is that my life gets better in direct proportion to my willingness to trust God with the other areas of it. It continues to be hard to let go and act with faith, especially when I’m in fear, but each time I do, I’m rewarded with a freedom and a joy that could never have come as long as I continued to try to control things. Today, if I’m not willing to let go, then I pray for the willingness to be willing. And once I withdraw my claws, God takes over and the healing begins.